Inappropriate Mince Pie Decorations

by The Tit Mice

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released November 23, 2014

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The Tit Mice Bristol, UK

The Tit Mice are an improvisational collective formed in Bristol on new years day 2013. Our initial intention was just to play music. However, upon attempting to do this, we realised that when our musical inabilities united, we were capable of producing sublime masterpieces, which are so powerful and moving, they could potentially either save the world or plunge civilisation into a new dark age. ... more

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Track Name: Ram That Christmas Pudding Up Your Bollocks
You can stick that mince pie up your bollocks
You can stick that christmas pudding up your ass
You can take that fucking turkey and ram it into your ball-bag now

Your can take that christmas elf and put him into a stocking wearing a gag
You can put a billiard into his mouth
And then you can whip and strip and bugger him until hes dead
Why not ram that christmas stocking into your throbbing head?

Ram that christmas pudding up your bollocks
Ram that mince pie into my cock

Why dont you just kick me in the face and tell me that you hate me on Christmas day because that would be an interesting thing to happen
Its such an special day when we should all say out true emotions and say what we're feeling

Until my ass is bleeding

You can stick that mice pie up your bollocks
You can stick that christmas pudding up your ass
You can ram all those golden chocolate coins into my bellend

Such a happy festive time
Such a happy time

Ram that mince pie up your bollocks
Ram that christmas pudding up.your ass
Ram that christmas pudding into my ass
Put a turkey into your pants

Pull some crackers
Then kIck me in the knackers

you can ram that mine pie up your bollocks
You can ram that mince pie up your ass
You can take the christmas cheer and put it into this broken pint of beer
You can ram that mince pie up your bollocks
Up your bollocks
Up your festive bollocks
Up your festive bollocks
Track Name: Christmas Every Day
Its nice to have a Christmas cracker what present will you get?
Its nice to spill some wine on your trousers they will get wet

It is nice to have a lovely piece of Christmas pud
Everyone at Christmas time is happy you know you should

Good king Wenceslas I wish it could be Christmas every day

Snowman with a carrot nose
Robin with a red breast
Santa's given me lots of presents
Including a lovely vest

Holly and the mistletoe
Lots of Christmas stockings
Santa's workshop over-time
See the elves a flocking

Good king Wenceslas I wish it could be Christmas every day

Isn't is a wonderful life?
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Queen's speech, episode of Doctor Who
That's quite satisfactory

Good king Wenceslas I wish it could be Christmas every day

Simply having a wonderful Christmas time
Simply having a wonderful Christmas time
Simply having a wonderful Christmas time
Simply having a wonderful Christmas time

Good king Wenceslas I wish it could be Christmas every day
Track Name: Poor Christmas
Think of all the poor people at Christmas time,
Looking out their window at Abi Titmuss all the time
In their feta cheese infested
Filthy lonesome bedsits

Sometimes christmas can be a little bit shit

Sitting all alone watching the TV screen
All the other people having a lovely time seem so nean.. (mean that is) Looking at the Queen's speech
Wishing that I wasn't on my own

Sitting drinking gin all alone

Sometimes christmas can be a little bit shit

I'm feeling jealous of you all
With your lovely families
Opening lovely presents and feeling happy
I am on my seventh beer
I've been drinking all this sherry on my own

Ridden with disease

Sometime Christmas can be a little bit shit

Snowball fights what a bag of shite
Nothing but loads of shitty rain
No Christmas stocking
Not even any Christmas cards
Nothing but misery and lonesome pain

Sometimes Christmas can be a little bit shit
Sometimes Christmas can be a little bit shit
Sometimes you could try and think about it
Being nice to the lonely people at Christmas time
Track Name: Christmas Cyst List
Herpes, scrotal cheese
I have caught a festive disease
While I was watching a filthy video
I got infected with chlamydio

Genital bacteria
Festive habitual masturbator

Foreskin sores
While the sherry pours
Banging Christmas elf whores
Counting my calling birds (four)

Scratchy pus filled lumps
While that pesky Jack Frost jumps
Balanytic cysts
Just what was on my Christmas list

Vaginal halitosis
That is where our Christmas roast is
While we examine each other's genital warts
We've been up to some disturbing Winter sports

Balanytic cystitis
That's what the fire will ignite within us
Tonight

We should have used protection
To have saved us from this infection
I've been infested with crawling crabs
Now I'm picking my anal scabs

My festive getting laid
Resulted in me getting HIV and AIDS
Track Name: Nativity Kebab
1, 2, 3, 4,

Innkeeper, could you give us a double sleeper
Because we’re supposed to be giving birth
To the saviour of the Earth
(Supposedly… that’s what some angel guy said or something anyway)

If you can give us some board tonight
Then you know that your world will be filled with light
Three Kings they came along
They sang him quite a lot of special songs
Probably a lot like this one
Except with less blasphemy
And less catastrophe to civilisation

If you can give us some room
Where we can save the Earth from impending doom

But the innkeeper had different ideas…
The only room that he could possibly think of was the microwave around the back of his inn
The one that had a very precariously, uh, situated, uh, on and off button...

I wonder what’ll happen next eh?

Next along came the shepherds
They all brought magic gifts
And then they looked at the little baby
And they gave him a spliff

One of the shepherds because he was a bit out of his face
He'd been banging loads of acid and ketamine all day
And he didn't know he was going to cause this disgrace
When he leant against the on/off button of the microwave

Jesus Mary and Joseph
And the three wise men and the shepherds
Were cooked like a kebab
The world is doomed

The world is doomed
The world is doomed
The world is doomed
The world is doomed

Because the entire holy family has been turned into a kebab
And there wasn't even any chilli sauce to had in those days

How could this have happened?
It could only be a trap that somebody set

The evil innkeeper
Christmas has been ruined
Christmas has been ruined
By the evil innkeeper
Track Name: Awkward At Christmas
I would like to have another sherry
Maybe another Chocolate Orange from Jerry's (Terrys I mean)
I would like to pull a christmas cracker
But you may as well just kick me in my knackers

Feeling slightly awkward at Christmas time
Feeling slightly awkward

Maybe I should open the last door of my advent calendar
Maybe into my underpants I should put a salamander
All of my older relatives are starey
While I'm watching the Batman film that stars Jim Carrey
Feeling awkward at Christmas time
At Christmas time feeling really awkward

I have got lots of new presents which I don't like
And I've been visited by the ghost of Christmas Present
To tell me I'm a twat.
(Woops)

Feeling very awkward at Christmas time
Feeling awkward at Christmas time

I know that it happens every year
I know the only way to get through this is to drink more fucking beer
I can't cope with another year of this
Until I learn to get even more pissed than I've managed to every fucking year

Getting really drunk in the corner
Feeling like I don't have
Much of a presence in this festive situation
I am feeling like I need to
Station myself at the local bar instead
Because I'm feeling really awkward like I don't fit in

Like I don't fit in at festive time like everyone else
Everyone else is having such a lovely time
And I'm getting upset about the poor quality of this Doctor Who episode like every fucking year

And I can gurantee
That when everybody else is drinking tea
I will be staring at the TV
Wondering who is this new celebrity

Feeling awkward at christmas time
Feeling awkward at Christmas time
Track Name: Festive Mass Animal Murder
Robin red breast on a skewer
Happy animals at Christmas there will be fewer

I've been frying up reindeer burgers
Festive mass animal murder

Turkey chomping on some some beef jerky
Get all those vegetables away
They should be thing of fables today
Get them off of my table

Reindeer burgers
Festive mass animal murder
Reindeer burgers
Festive mass animal murder

Festive mass animal murder
Festive mass animal murder
Festive mass animal murder
Festive mass animal murder
Festive mass animal murder
Festive mass animal murder
Festive mass animal murder
Festive mass animal murder

Reindeer burgers
Festive mass animal murder
Track Name: Inappropriate Mince Pie Decoration Song
I'm gonna open my flies
And apply a special disguise
To my auntie's mince pies

First of all I'm going to use a special gift
Thats right, a golden shower of my own piss

I'm going to open my flies
And apply a special disguise
To my auntie's mince pies

Next of all you will want to listen to this
Because I'm going to give my thingamebob a special massage and cover those little mince pies with my jizz
With my fishy jizz
Thats what christmas sometimes...
Thats what christmas should be about

Open my flies I'm adding quite a special disguise to my auntie's collection of mince pies

Next all I want to do is
Make some more colourful decorations on these cakes
So I severed my own cock using a live snake
He munched up all that bait

Soon some blood came squirting out of my broken cock
On to all of the christmas puddings
All of the colourful little cakes
Were made a little bit more red
And with my piss they went a little bit yellow
With my jizz they went a little tiny bit smelling a lot like fish
Yellowy white substance

Sometimes thats what Christmas should be all about

Jizzing on cakes
Track Name: Wanking In The Air
Were wanking in the air
I had one carrot spare and sprouts
For snowman cock and balls
They're standing hard and tall

He's standing in the yard
My knob is going hard
As I see snowman ass through my
Bedroom window and sigh

Storm of white fishy flakes falling from the sky
Over trees and frozen lakes his carrot cock it flies

We're wanking in the air
Crusty PJs I wear tonight
He's melting as I fist him speeding through the mist
I woke the break of dawn
He's melted on the lawn, I cried
My heart so low it sank I had another wank

Storm of white fishy flakes falling from the sky
Over trees and frozen lakes his carrot cock it flies

Were wanking in the air
I had one carrot spare and sprouts
For snowman cock and balls they're standing hard and tall

He was standing in the yard
My knob is going hard as I
Imagine snowman ass through bedroom window and sigh

We're wanking in the air
Track Name: Twelfth Night
As far as the seasons go
I have got a very red nose
A bit like Rudolf

As far as my tolerance can be perceived
I have been deceived by the festive seasons

There is no reason
Why I should be drinking any more
Because Christmas has become a bore
I don't want to hear Christmas carols any more
Sometimes Christmas can feel like a bore
I don't want to hear Christmas carols any more

I have drunk a lot of sherry
And mulled cider there have been bottles oh so many
Going into my gaping orifice
And for the last month I have been exceedingly pissed

Christmas time I'm a little bit bored of the season
I don't need any reason to be celebrating
I am just waiting for it to be over
I want the twelfth night
Then I will feel alright

Now I need to be sober
Finally Christmas is over
Now its bloody New Years
Bloody New Years Eve

I've got to get pissed again and I'm feeling peeved
I want it to be over
Rudolph's red nose needs to be taken over
By sobriety
and a tasty cup of herbal tea

I don't want to drink any more
Please save me

Please save me
Please save me
Track Name: Thought It Was Christmas
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Listen to everybody singing Handel's Messiah
Choir sing, ding a ling
CHeese ring, speed king

Have yourself a pickled elf
Have yourself a Christmas stocking
Full of pork scratchings
Suck on my ding-a-ling

Take my Cheese Wotsits
And Cheesy Strings

Christmas time its not a crime
Christmas time pull out my spine
At Christmas time
Pull out my spine
And you may find
That its actually...

Summer time
Thought it was Christmas time but its not
Its fucking Summer time

Summer time
Track Name: Have A Poo Yeh
Well I heard there was a secret chord
That David guffed and it pleased the Lord
He listened while he played the trouser tuba
Well he took a piss right in his pants
Then let those turds explode and dance
And in a fit he did a massive poo yeh

Did a poo yeh, did a poo yeh, did a poo yeh, what a poopy plops

The smell was strong from his ass bassoon
He needed more so he ran to the loo
In the hope that he could catch what his ass threw yeh
But someone else was locked in there
He knocked but they just didn't care
And from his ass there spewed more massive poos yeh

Massive poos yeh, big large poos yeh, did a poo yeh, in his trousers

I moved in with someone before
we shared a bed and room and floor
I used to live alone before I knew her
I thought she had a lovely ass
But through that hole she sometimes passed
Wet stools so warm and smelly while she pooed yeh

While she pooed yeh, did a poo yeh, did a poo yeh, in the toilet

There was a time when she let me know
What was really going on down below
But you shouldn't tell about these things now, should ya?
But then she ate those figs and dates
The bottom blast just couldn’t wait
And every breath her ass exhaled was poo yeh

Did a poo yeh, did a poo yeh, did a poo yeh, did a poopy plops

Maybe there's a God above
But all I've learned from the foods I love
Was how to spoil my trousers with bum spew, yeh
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's somebody who needs a shite
It's a cold and broken soul who needs a poo, yeh

Needs a poo yeh, needs a poo yeh, needs a poo yeh, in the toilet
Needs a poo yeh, needs a poo yeh, do a poo yeh, in the toilet