The Mutant's Depraved Urges

by The Tit Mice

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03:39
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02:12
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02:19
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07:42
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about

'The Red Album'. This collection contains nuggets from various 2013-2014 sessions, some of which have become established Tit Mice Classics. Many of the songs follow themes of live humiliation and the recognition of our collective hobby of rearing Frankensteinesque mutants.
Featuring some of our best live recordings, this is the light hearted (but still depraved) side of the 'Coin of Destiny' diptych of albums. Each Tit Mouse makes £1 each time the album is purchased.

credits

released July 14, 2014

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about

The Tit Mice Bristol, UK

The Tit Mice are an improvisational collective formed in Bristol on new years day 2013. Our initial intention was just to play music. However, upon attempting to do this, we realised that when our musical inabilities united, we were capable of producing sublime masterpieces, which are so powerful and moving, they could potentially either save the world or plunge civilisation into a new dark age. ... more

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Track Name: Dental Hygene
Tooth brushes, dental floss, mouthwashes, what is the cost?

If you go to Poundland
They only cost a pound
If you go to Wilkinson
You may find yourselves paying around a fiver.

Around a fiver

This is why I stopped cleaning my teeth
My dental hygiene is beyond belief
My mouth is decomposing
The smell can be quite imposing

I am no longer able to attract members of the opposite sex

Expensive dental products have ruined my life
Expensive dental products mean's I won't find a wife
Expensive dental products have made me quite unapproachable
My mouth smells like a bull

My mouth it smells a bit like bullshit
My face it smellsa bit like piss
My gaping orofice it's not very nice to kiss
Because I'm missing out on dental hygiene now

Tooth brushes, toothpaste, dental floss
Mouthwash what a waste of money that was
Now I don't need it in my bathroom cabinet
Now I don't want it
Now I don't need all the minty freshness.
Track Name: Etiquette
(Back to A again, E sorry, oh fuck I fucked that up)

This is a song about driving etiquette
If you want to make sure people get out of your way when you're driving your car then beep at them

(Back to E)

Its a shame when people aren't polite on the roads
Its a shame when people don't nod to cyclists
Its a shame when people run people over on the zebra crossing
(incidentally that's what I did on my first fucking driving test)

Etiquette, Etiquette, Etiquette

(and back to E)

Its alot harder driving a car than a skateboard
Its alot harder driving a pogo stick
If you run someone over when you're bouncing along on your space hopper
then you get alot less bad insurance policies

Now to the chorus
Etiquette, Etiquette

I've been driving my fucking car so hard
And I've been running over all the pedestrians
Because I don't like people very much
its been a very difficult week
I've been driving very hard to my very difficult job
And the driving instructor says
Its not good to run people over

(Oh my God)
(Mate, my face hurts)
Track Name: Tit Mouse Warfare
Merry little tune to be singing while you are marching along
Merry little tune to be singing while you're marching along

In out little army, we intend to kill as many of the enemy as we possibly can

Merry little song to be singing while you are walking along
Merry little song to be singing while you are marching along
In the ranks of our demonic army
We intend to usurp your entire village and kill all of the pigs

Lets take some hostages and eat their livers

Tit Mouse warfare, take the trenches to your left
Tit Mouse warfare, make sure you steal all of their poppers
Tit Mouse warfare, stab them with your bayonets
Tit Mouse warfare, we will wrest them to the ground

Over the top chaps!

What a lovely little song to be singing while you are marching along
Just a merry song to be singing when we are marching in our flanks

Forward marching
Forward marching
Forward marching
Backward marching

Marching to the side, marching to the back
Whoops I've been shot in the face
Now I've fallen over, to the floor
I've wet myself, and now I'm dead.
Track Name: The Rain Song
Ahhh.... Ooohhhh

We're really sorry the Arts House
We didn't mean to play so badly
We are so sorry we didn't rehearse what we were doing tonight
It's just that we are quite naturally shite

Apparently it's going to rain tonight
With a bit of luck we won't be in a fight
Because we played so badly
I hope that it rains tonight
Because I'm feeling incredibly drained tonight

And we're shite

So we're still playing very badly
And all your faces are looking quite alot more sadly
Because you knew we would be just this bad
Why do you keep turning up to our shows? You've all been had

We've heard it's going to rain tonight
Because all 3 of us are really drained tonight
Thats why we're playing like a bag of shite
We're so sorry to the Arts House
We're so sorry, sorry to the Arts House
We're sorry to the Arts House for scaring all your customers away

(Shall we just start back again at D, and we just do another verse?)
(Are we going again?)
One of the problems that I'm having tonight is that I'm sober
I need to drink more beer over and over
The only thing that I've eaten in the last couple of hours is that cake thing in a tub
(Thud) This isn't my guitar that you're throwing money at by the way!

I hope that it rains tonight
Because I'm sad that this guitar has had a bit of trouble and strife
With all the coin throwing
I'm really sad that I lost Harry's didgeridoo last night
As a friend, and musician I am shite

We're so sorry to the Arts House
We're so sorry to the Arts House
Some of your customers have been permanently scared away
Away...
Maybe we should get paid?
Track Name: Banned From Monkey World
There is nothing quite like being fisted by a gorrilla
There is nothing quite like being buggered by an orang utan
There is nothing like having forced sex with a gibbon
There is nothing quite like doing lots of filthy things in a monkey park

Banned from Monkey World
I've been banned from Monkey World
Discrimination
Monkey World
I've been banned from Monkey World
Banned from Monkey World
Such cruel discrimination
Such bigoted discrimination

Just because I like to have anal sex with all their gorillas
They kicked me out and banned me from ever going back
Just because I inserted a spider monkey into my foreskin
Just because I put one of their lemurs up my ass
(Oh no I've run out of tape)

Discrimination, Monkey World bigots
Discrimination, Monkey World bigots

Banned from monkey world
I've been banned from monkey world

Next time you come to Monkey World
Make sure you do it under the cover of darkness
Make sure you run into the trees
Then give your orang utan some anal disease

Bum the gorillas
Bum the gorillas, bum
Bum the gorillas
Come on the chimpanzees
Come on the chimpanzees
Come on the gibbons
Come on the chimpanzees
Come on the gibbons

Banned from Monkey World
Terrible discrimination
I've been banned from Monkey World
Such terrible discrimination
Track Name: Orifice Florist
I would like to buy some orchids
I like to slip them under my eyelids
I would like to buy some lilies
'Cause I'm going on holiday to the isles of Scilly

Welcome to our florist
You can pick some flowers from our main orifice

I would like to buy some rhododendrons
They remind me of shaving scum
I would like a bag of sage
Because I'm trying to turn a new page

Welcome to our florist
You can pick some flowers out of our main orifice

WIth the sage I'd like to make it quite beige
For when I'm watching films featuring Nicholas Cage
Then I'll buy my loved one a rose
Which will make a change from the usual bow and arrows

Welcome to our florist
You can pick some flowers out of our main orifice

I would like to buy some clothes
So I can stain them and blow my nose
With a bunch of poppies
So I can take floppy disk copies of my own cock

Welcome to our florist
You can pick some flowers out of our main orifice
Welcome to our florist
Where you can pick some flowers out of our main orifice
Track Name: Robot Sex Slave
Spanner, screwdriver, screws and files
Trying to build a mutant robot
It will do all my tasks
Anything that it's master asks
It will be the finest possession that I have got

My mutant robot

It will have teeth, it will have eyes
It will make me beef burgers and tuna fish pies
It will dress me in the morning
And do depraved sexual favours in my hour of need
Until I bleed

My mutant robot
My mutant robot

My robot I will program well
He will learn to read and write and spell
I will send him to do all my difficult jobs
Then eventually to the bank I will send him to rob

My mutant robot

The name of a robot derives from the word meaning 'slave'
Which is good because I don't expect that I should be paying for his depraved services
I'm just that kind of guy
Look at the robot and what do you spy?

A mutant, a mutant robot
My beautiful, beautiful mutant robot

Slip a banknote into his pants
You can guarantee he will do a very sexy dance
But don't forget to oil him, the squeaks can become rather loud
When the neighbours hear what you're up to you wont be so proud
That you're being lap danced by

My mutant robot
The lap dance from my beautiful mutant robot

Robot sex slave, he doesn't need to be paid
Robot sex slave, he doesn't need to be paid
Robot sex slave, he doesn't need to be paid
Robot sex slave, he doesn't need to be paid

Robot sex slave, he doesn't need to be paid
Robot sex slave, he doesn't need to be paid
Robot sex slave, he doesn't need to be paid
Robot sex slave, he doesn't need to be paid
Track Name: 22
Two, two, two, two
Twenty two, twenty two

The twenty second second
Of the twenty second minute
Of the twenty second hour
Of the twenty second year
Of the twenty second century
Of the twenty second millenium

The whole world's been waiting for this moment but no one cared
Twenty two, twenty two

The second time of the second hour the second moment of the second week
I wonder who's birthday it might be today

They will probably be the most important person ever born
They are the ultimate master of the ultimate race

Mr Twenty Two, Mr Twenty Two, Mr Twenty Two, Mr Twenty Two
Track Name: Bleeding Fingers
Taking 2CB is a bit like going to the shops
Taking 2CB is a bit like sitting your Sats exam
Taking 2CB is a little bit like buying a chicken
Taking 2CB is a little bit like being a farmer

Taking heroin is a bit like wearing shoes
Taking heroin is a bit like taking your pants off
Taking heroin is a bit like banging a tambourine
Taking heroin makes me want to cut off my own willy

Snorting cocaine's a little bit like playing in the Tit Mice
Snorting cocaine's a little bit like masturbating on your own
Snorting cocaine's a bit like trying to force a newspaper up your own ass
Snorting cocaine's a bit like trying to smoke some grass

Drinking booze is a little bit like having a bit of a toss
Drinking booze is a little bit like playing on Baby's First Computer
Drinking booze is a little bit like Demo All
Drinking booze is a little bit like an interesting thing to do

Bleeding fingers
Track Name: A&E
Welcome to accident and emergency
Its where you come if you've had a accident

If you've had an exploded colostomy
Then you will have a nice time at A&E

I have had a bit of an accident
I had my head ran over by a car

I stuck a brick into my vagina
And then I cut off my own head

Accident and emergency
Accident and emergency
Accident and emergency
Accident and emergency
Track Name: Rabies Scabies Babies
(ok so if we go... ok)

Ooh wow wow

When you touched me the other day
I think you gave me a little bit of that
Rabies babies and scabies
I've got rabies scabies and babies
I've got rabies scabies and babies up my bum

If you share a needle
If you drink someone else's pint then you might catch a horrible disease
Rabies scabies and babies
You've given me rabies scabies and babies
Given me scabies rabies and babies up my bum

If you ever come near me then you should be wearing a protective sheath otherwise you may catch a horrible disease that I caught while I was fucking a sheep

I've given you rabies scabies and babies
I've given you rabies scabies and babies
You've given me rabies scabies and babies
I've given you rabies

Babies! Scabies!

I think that I have got crabs
I'm covered in lots of scabs
I've got skin that looks a bit like a kebab
You've given me rabies scabies and babies
You've given me rabies scabies and babies

I've given you rabies scabies and babies
Rabies scabies and babies
I've given you rabies scabies and babies
I've given you rabies

(come on everybody)

Things that you can catch if you look at our horrible band
If the sounds go into your ears and you are not wearing lubricating protection we will give you

Rabies scabies and babies
Giving you rabies scabies and babies
Giving you rabies scabies and babies with our horrible music
Track Name: Not Invited
There is a party and you're not invited
If you come then all three of you will be fighted
There is a wedding, we want you to play but
If you scare all our guests away

We're going to punch you
Don't come to our bar mitzvah
Don't come to my children's party
Or I will call the police

It's so confusing all of the encouragement we get
because when we arrive people don't appreciate us
It's confusing every time people say that they like us
Really they want to fight us

Could you make up your minds what you think about this band?
Because we're very confused by all
All of your encouragement followed by insults
Could you make up your mind?

There is a party, we're not invited
If we turn up we are likely to be fighted
There is a wedding, we have been asked to come play but
when we scare all the guests away

We're going to be fighted

We sent lots of emails to all the people that most normal bands in this city send their emails to
Nobody wants us on their radio programmes
Nobody will let us play at their festivals

But we have still got a sycophantic stalking fan base
That we don't want anywhere near our face
So we told everyone to bloody leave us alone
Now were all alone

Still we're not viewed as highbrow musical entertainment
Because we defile the art establishment
People don't see us as valid performance art
Which is quite correct

There is a party, we are not invited
If we turn up we will be fighted

We're going to kick ass when we play at the bloody art gallery
Because we'll show them what's what
We're going to accurately demonstrate our inabilities
And probably be really fucking offensive

If we get kicked out then that will demonstrate us to be a
Proper rebellious...
Idiom, we are the most rebellious band in this town
Were also the shittest
Were also the shittest
And if we come to your party we're very likely to get hitted

We are the shittest band
We are the shittest band in the land
And if we come to your party we will show you what's what
Track Name: Quality Street
Most of our music is inaccessible
Because we recorded it on tape
Most of our music will never be heard by the human ear again
Because its lost, on a fucking pile of tapes

(ah, what are they called?)

(are there any Cream Eggs in that Cream Egg box?
I wish there were but I have to say there aren't, that's all I can say
are there any Quality Streets in the Quality Street box?
no, there's nothing in the Quality Street box)