The Wizard's Diabolical Feast

by The Tit Mice

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marieke
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marieke Orion told me to get the Blue album and how right he was. From the light winsomeness of Eating Crisps to the dark progressive rock of The Wizard's Hat, to the mellow cello on Pork Scratchings to the importance of the alphabet in Alphabet Apple, this album has something for all moods. The band play all songs with gusto and Petley's vocals range from gentle and crooning to angry and rage filled. An excellent addition to your music library and also to the Tit Mice's oeuvre. Brilliant! Favorite track: Eating Crisps.
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about

'The Blue Album'. This collection contains morsels from various 2013-2014 sessions, some of which have become established Tit Mice Classics. Many of the songs follow themes of devourment, and the recognition of our collective responsibility to the wizard and his magnificent powers. This is the darker, more epic (but still diabolically hilarious) side of the 'Coin of Destiny' diptych of albums. Each Tit Mouse makes £1 each time the album is purchased.

credits

released July 14, 2014

Dan Petley, Harry Westbrook and Andrew Gillan

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all rights reserved

about

The Tit Mice Bristol, UK

The Tit Mice are an improvisational collective formed in Bristol on new years day 2013. Our initial intention was just to play music. However, upon attempting to do this, we realised that when our musical inabilities united, we were capable of producing sublime masterpieces, which are so powerful and moving, they could potentially either save the world or plunge civilisation into a new dark age. ... more

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Track Name: Gutterball
-I refuse to make any music until we're recording
-Yeh, we're recording...
-Oh dear sorry. 1 2 3 4...
-Wait wait wait wait, it needs to sound more...
-We've been recording for five minutes...

We have all been evicted from our houses
We have all been sent to leave our abodes
We have all been made into homeless trampsies
I need to slip back in and predict my board
Homeless bastard

I have got a new job selling the Big Issue
I have got a new job singing at people in the street
Do you have any spendings for the pot?
I only need 80p to get somewhere
Into the pub

We have all been made homeless
But we've got all turfed out no words to help make it now
We have all been made homeless
Just because we let bully agencies come and sell our houses

Would you like to buy a big issue
Would you like to give me some change
Would you like to buy me a pasty
would you like to show me your face in a fence

Give me a pasty
Give me a pasty
Track Name: Pork Scratchings
Pork scratchings where do they come from?
Pork scratchings where do they come from?
They come from the most obvious parts of the pig

Lambert and Butler where do they come from?
Lambert and Butler where do they come from?
They come from the most horrible factory of cigs

Morris dancing where does it come from?
Morris dancing where does it come from?
It comes from the local village fete jig
Track Name: A Day Out In Easton
Would you like one of my whistles?
Would you like one of my jigsaw pieces?
Would you like some of my powder paint?
A big rebellious party its not turning out to be
It just ain't

Would you like one of these birianis?
Would you like a caravan that's full of carnys?
Would you like to hold my favourite brick?
A day out in Easton can make you feel quite sick

Have you been to the Chelsea?
If you don't go there it's the Sugar Loaf
Or else you may need to go for an all night drink at the Plough
Buy some drugs and get very sweaty without going to town

Welcome to (B)Easton

Spending the day in the Greenbank
Surrounded by children and poodles who can you thank?
All the rich people for gentrifying such a glorious establishment
Think of all the wasted days you have spent

Drinking in (B)Easton

Would you like to buy a toasted cheese sandwich for £2?
Would you like to have extreme reggae forced into your sound oracles?
Would you like to feel like taking some ketamine tonight?
That's alright in (B)Easton

Polish Shop
Hot Spot
Lick'n, Lick'n Chicken

Grease feast in (B)Easton
Grease feast in (B)Easton
Grease feast in (B)Easton
Track Name: Biscuits
Biscuits
What flavour of biscuits
What flavour of biscuits do you like?
Biscuits
Dip them in your tea
Or eat them raw
What kind of biscuits do you like?

My favourite is shit biscuits
I like to dip them in my piss
Have a mouthful of my shit biscuits
Dip them into my urine

Fill your fucking ugly face with my shit biscuits
Thats the kind of biscuits that I like to eat

My dirty little shit biscuits

Can I have a taste of your shit biscuits?
Can I have a taste of your shit biscuits?
You can have a taste of mine
My dirty little shit biscuits

Thats the kind of biscuits that we like
Thats the kind of biscuits that we like
We're going to be tasting them tonight

What kind of biscuits do you like?
What kind of biscuits?
Track Name: Gibbon Scissors
(indecipherable news broadcast, things dying, war in Iraq, bees broke a boiler, Davros, etc)

Not a single mention of my gibbon scissors
Not a single mention of Angelina Jolie's balls
Not a single mention of a child in a kebab
Not a single mention of me picking my scabs

Gibbon scissors
Gibbon scissors
Gibbon scissors
Gibbon scissors

Not a single mention of a dog toothbrush
Not a single mention of a cat wearing a neck brace
Not a single mention of my tennis balls in my pants
Not a single mention of my gibbon scissors

My gibbon scissors
My gibbon scissors
My gibbon scissors

My gibbon scissors they are very expensive
It's quite a massive sex scandal
Somebody put a cat into my feces
Then they took a big picture of me with my gibbon scissors

My gibbon scissors
My gibbon scissors
My gibbon scissors
My gibbon scissors

My monkey needs to have a haircut
What can you do about it you cunt?
I could use my special tool
Otherwise the monkey will look like a fool

Without my gibbon scissors
If he doesn't use my gibbon scissors
My gibbon scissors
My gibbon scissors

My gibbon he has too many toes
Well I'm afraid that that really blows
Only one thing that we could possibly do
I could give my pair of gibbon scissors to you

My pair of gibbon scissors
A pair of gibbon scissors
A pair of gibbon scissors
My pair of gibbon scissors
My pair of gibbon scissors
My pair of gibbon scissors
My pair of gibbon scissors
My pair of gibbon scissors

1 2 3 4 gibbon scissors
Track Name: Quiet Song
We've got to be real quiet so we don't upset Harry's neighbours
We've got to be fucking quiet so we don't upset his housemates either
With our Spanish geetar thumping like a motherfucker
Be real quiet tonight in the house

We spent a long time tuning our instruments
We tried so hard to make the notes sound pure
We've had a small amount of beverage
Why the fuck do we bother for?

Cos we've got to be so quiet
So we don't upset the neighbours
Cos we've got to be so quiet
So we don't upset the housemates
Quiet, quiet
Quiet song
So we don't upset the neighbours

So fucking quiet
So fucking quiet
So fucking quiet
So fucking quiet
So fucking quiet
So fucking quiet
Quiet
Quiet
Quiet
So fucking quiet

Quiet, so fucking quiet
Quiet, so fucking quiet

So fucking quiet
So fucking quiet
So fucking quiet
So fucking quiet
Track Name: Self Engulfing TV Screen Experiment
Sitting alone in my flat I don't know what to do with myself
All I have is a video recorder and my cat
It's effecting my mental health
Maybe if I point the TV camera at my television screen
It will make some psychedelic patterns
It will help me to have a dream

I could go out to the shops
But socialising with other humans I find poopy-plops
Weeks and weeks sat all alone looking at my TV screen
The psychedelic images, they're driving me more insane

Self engulfing TV screen experiment
Self engulfing TV screen experiment
It's making my brain deranged
It's making me go insane
It's making my mental faculties dement

Please call the men in white coats
I don't think I can anymore cope
With my severe derangement
All of this wasted time that I've spent
Track Name: Worm Finger
Worm Finger

Worm Finger

Worm Finger

Worm Finger

Finger

Worm Finger

Worm Finger

Worm Finger

Worm Finger

Worm Fucking Finger

Everybody together now

Are you ready?

Worm Finger

Come on everybody, you at the back
Give it to me you over there, everybody

Worm Finger

Worm Finger
Track Name: Band Politics
Better a Yoko Ono than Linda McCartney
Better the bitch who broke Harrison's heart
Better to have a distraction than somebody mean
Otherwise you may want to eat your own spleen

The recordings for the White Album
Were probably less troubling than the last piece we did
The only distractions that we had that day
Were our complete and utter inabilities to make proper music or write lyrics or make songs

Band Politics
Playing dirty tricks with our social lives
Band Politics
Playing dirty tricks with our trying to find wives
And husbands

But it doesn't matter much
Because collectively we have a cat
He lives in our flat (actually its a house)
He's never caught a mouse

Band Politics
Playing dirty tricks with our social lives
Band Politics
Playing dirty tricks with the lives that we are trying to contrive

None of us are unemployed
All of us seem relatively happy
Maybe this will make our music more crappy

Band Politics
Playing dirty tricks with our private lives
Band Politics
Playing dirty tricks with our private lives
Track Name: The Wizard's Hat
(We're exactly like Uriah Heep)

Ah the Wizard
Oh his kingdom

The Wizard, he looked across his kingdom
And he observed all of his subjects
But the main subject that interested him
Was which feather to position in his magical hat

(now to D I reckon)

The Wizard's magical hat
It was made of magic

So he opened up his eyes
And he cast them across the skies
He was looking for the most beautiful eagle
Whose feathers he could pluck for his special hat

Oh the wise Wizard
He needed to fix his hat
Otherwise he'll look like a twat

So the Wizard he slaughtered
The nearest Pheasant he could find
Then he plucked the most colourful feather
From that pheasant's behind

(now to D)

It had all the colours of the rainbow

(then back to G again)

It taught him every spell that he could know
The Wizard's hat, The Wizard's hat
His beautiful kingdom shon for miles around
The king he gave him a sacred orb of magic

He was using all of his magic rings
To do some quite spectacular things

So now we've told you about the Wizard's times
Doing lots of magical things
With his filthy magic rings

The Wizard's hat
The Wizard's hat
The Wizard's hat
The Wizard's hat
Track Name: Eating Crisps
(we've got to slow down so we can hear the keyboard)

Just a little song about eating crisps
Just a little song about eating crisps
Just a little song about eating crisps
And drinking whiskey

Just a little song about drinking whiskey
Just a little song about drinking whiskey
Just a little song about drinking whiskey
From Aldi

Just a little song about reading books
Just a little song about reading books
Just a little song about reading books
About whiskey

Just a little song about drinking beer
Just a little song about drinking beer
Just a little song about drinking beer
From Aldi

Just a little song about drinking beer and eating crisps

Just a little song about eating crisps
Just a little song about eating crisps
Just a little song about eating crisps
And drinking whiskey

Just a little song about drinking whiskey
Just a little song about drinking whiskey
Just a little song about drinking whiskey
From Aldi
From Aldi

Eating crisps, eating crisps, eating crisps

Just a little song about eating crisps
Just a little song about eating crisps
Just a little song about eating crisps
And whisking beer from Aldi

Just a little song about drinking beer
Just a little song about drinking whiskey
Just a little song about drinking beer
From Aldi
From Aldi
From Aldi
Track Name: Alphabet Apple
(cat, flag, dog, mop, hair, key, queen, pig, ball...)

Alphabet apple
Alphabet apple
You can learn your alphabet using this apple

(cat, ball, egg)

I can't remember my fucking letters
The alphabet's completely gone out of my stupid angry head
What the fuck can I do?
What the fuck can I do?

(flag, dog)

Use alphabet apple
You will feel less crapple
When you take a tasty bite of the alphabet
Alphabet apple

Ball, flag, flower, sun, fucking net
Key... letters... now I understand

Alphabet apple
Alphabet apple

Xray, ah that's a difficult one

Alphabet apple has healed a victim of society
And made him into a little bit less of a twat
Alphabet apple, the alphabet you can grapple
With the alphabet apple
The alphabet apple

Alphabet apple
Alphabet apple

Tasty little alphabet apple, take a bite
But be careful not to swallow the pips
Because they're words like 'cunt'

Apple
Apple
Apple

By bye!
Track Name: Crown Of Leather And Studs
I want to go drinking
That's what I've been thinking
For about an hour

Company of other humans
Listening to Gary Numan
Drinking gallons of each other's sputum
There is a party and I want to come
To it

The doors are open now
They will be eating spit roasted cow
Pork scratchings there will be plenty
My alcoholic stomach is feeling empty

I want pickled eggs, I want bar snacks
Like some cheesy moments

I want to go out drinking
That's what for the last hour I have been thinking
Give me your prize pork scratchings
Give me your drugs and booze and diamond rings

Wearing a crown of leather and studs
Wearing a crown of leather and studs
Wearing a crown of leather and studs
Wearing a crown of leather and studs
Wearing a crown of leather and studs
Wearing a crown of leather and studs
Wearing a crown of leather and studs
Sitting on my throne

Chalice, a chalice of mead
Into my cup you will have to be bleeding
Worship me upon my silver throne
Like a dog you will eat my bone

Cos I'm
Wearing a crown of leather and studs
Wearing a crown of leather and studs
Wearing a crown of leather and studs
Wearing a crown of leather and studs
Wearing a crown of leather and studs
Wearing a crown of leather and studs
Wearing a crown of leather and studs
Wearing a crown of leather and studs

If I were king, you would do everything that I tell you
All of the peasants they will worship me, I can smell you
From my leather throne
Encrusted with silver jewels
Silver jewels

Wearing a crown of leather and studs
Wearing a crown of leather and studs
Wearing a crown of leather and studs
Wearing a crown of leather and studs
Wearing a crown of leather and studs
Wearing a crown of leather and studs

If I were king, If I were king I'd go drinking

Wearing a crown of leather and studs
If I were king I'd go drinking

Its time to go drinking
Its time to go drinking
That's what I've been thinking for the last hour
I am the king and I want to go out...
Drinking